Saturday, November 28, 2009

The BIG Boss is in da House!!!!!!!!

Beat this twice in a month I am writing after hmmmm well when I used to stay awake till 5 in the morning in Joka, point is I have not been this free in the last 1.5 years. A finance conference in the northern part of the country forced all my bosses to attend the event and I have absolutely nothing to do.

Remember those days when you used to read comics, I used to read it once then again I used to read only one character’s dialogues ( it may sound crazy but do it once its so much fun….adds a whole new paradigm to the whole story).

Well to maintain my high standard work ethics I was not reading comics in my office but I tried to do the same thing with cricinfo/cricbuzz’s commentary and if you pick some random 5 -6 words from the long sentences of their commentary it again adds a new meaning to the whole story.


plenty of confusion as he works it away into the legs”

full on the off, coming in a hint, pushed back”

However it needs a mind as twisted as KRK to appreciate that kind of humor, BTW KRK is suddenly a sorry figure in my opinion. Yesterday I saw him on BIG BOSS (I know I am lame, so STFU a$ %@#$) and even the inmates were taking his case. Imagine a house full of losers who are as close to being called a celebrity as Himesh Reshamiya being called an actor and they are taking somebody’s case. He is the butt of every single joke cracked in those quarters. Sameera Reddy literally ran away when she was asked to dance with him, I have seen (experienced) some rejections myself and it will be safe to say I know how it feels, there are few situations I can think of which can make you feel equally embarrassed I mean that must be like having a black kid when you and your wife are straight out of a fairness cream ad.

But seriously television is going down the hill and I mean big time , at 9 pm there is nothing much to watch so after getting out of the hell hole while having dinner I have no choice to but to switch on to colors ….

And I see BIG Boss. Here are my “ chaar lina” on the inmates.

Tanaaz And Bakhtiyaar Irani:

The Unwanted 72 capsule clearly didn’t work .

Tanaaz ( who is easily the most irritating thing to happen to this world since the birth of VJ Bani) and Bakhtiyaar(well this guy’s name is Bakhtiyaar I can only imagine how much beating he must have got throughout the school to add to this he is married to Tanaaz, no doubt this guy got that –i-have-no-will-to-live kind of look on his face all the time.

Sherlyn Chopra Now here we got a person who wanted to follow the footsteps of Rakhi Sawant , Wrong choice of idols I must say. But she is surely the marvel of human silicon technology.

Ismail Darbar This guy must be bored of fighting with Abhijeet, Bappi da and Himesh Reshamiya. I don’t like my job very much either but watching this guy sitting through all the talent shows as judge sometimes gave me a sadistic pleasure. When Zee tv extracted all the wannabe rockstars from the deepest corner of the country they focused on lil champs…………….those kids know one thing for sure. How to drive adults crazy ….

Aditi Govatikar:- In my opinion she has killed her career for once and all, it was only after watching her without make up I realized how much a lil facepack or a lil mascara can do. Morning hours mein she looks pretty close to a Komodo dragon

KRK :- Leave the poor guy will you , cut some slack he is a just god’s own child born in that part of the country whom nobody takes seriously. But he is 100% unadulterated adult entertaintment

Jaya Sawant : I thought she will be equally bad ass as her daughter but no man I was so wrong, so what she had no clue about how to pray and she had no idea about any hymns ( which is evident in Rakhi’s prayers too “Hey ISSU MAsu hum aapka thanks karte hain kyunki aapne humari table par aaj khana diya”) But atleast she tried. Thank god she didn’t stay for long, imagine what havoc gods might have done after listening to her prayers.

Claudia : - Seriously ???? SHE IN BIG BOSS??? How much recession has impacted the television industry and how strict the top management has become on budget

Raju Shrivastava:- for how long star one could have stretched his repetitive jokes and crass comments. But honestly this is the only guys who came in BIG boss with a clear agenda…. “ I will try my level best to be funny and hopefully some director ( Priyadarshan must be his ultimate goal) will cast me in the next venture”

Rohit Verma : As if we were lacking any stereotypes , a male fashion designer who is a cross dresser. If you had any clues about this guy he comes to the house and utters first words of wisdom

“Main ladkon ke kamre mein sounga ya ladkiyon ke”

Like everybody else watching the show the contestants were equally speechless. Its only people like these who make you feel good about yourself.

Shamita Shetty “ Seriously dude just because your sister won Big Brother in UK you think you can win Big Boss in India. You think this is politics?????????????? I take it as an offence that you guys rate the Indian audience’s intellect in the same level as that of those tea-sucking-fish –chips mongering British punk asses.

Poonam Dhillon :- I think she is looking for a back door entry into Ekkkkta Kapoor’s camp. Playing the perfect mother and the female head of the house she is actually not that bad.

VINDU DARA SINGH :- I have nothing to say but “

“I mean seriously who the fuck is this GUY????? ”

Oh the small clock on the left side of my lappy-top's screen is flickering( yeah cost cutting in my bank too), and the time is 7:55 pm.

If I will leave in the next 15 minutes, I will beat the traffic and will be home by 8:40....... which will give me enuff time to slip into my shorts open a beer and sit in front of my television to watch colors again.

But honestly how can u take a show like this seriously.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Leave your kids behind

Good morning, TEJAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!( WTF is TEJA right?? But nobody reads this blog and frankly nobody cares). But as I love the movie Arth and hence taking inspiration from Mahesh Bhatt, I will speak without caring who cares…………….

As always I am staring on my office laptop screen and thinking hard when the hands of time will turn and end a long, tiring and demanding week which involved a miscalculation, an inverted arrow on a presentation and a very displeased boss.

I m pissed and I am furious and being the responsible citizen that I am, I am gonna raise my voice against the torture that is being subjected on poor souls like me since time immemorial

Parents with young kids..IF you can’t control your kids ……….please don’t get them to a theater.
With the advent of DTH and pay per view you Aunties and Uncles (I can get mean too) can actually watch good print movies (legally) sitting in the comfort of your home where you Chintu can be the spiderman that he always wanted to be, or your Tanu can get that walnut brownie she was craving for all her life. But for the sake of humanity please don't get them to theaters as all kids are suddenly possessed by some unknown devil in the dark shades of the theater.

Don’t judge me and don’t get me wrong, I do love kids and whenever I see a good looking lady with a small kid in the elevator I always compliment the kid saying whats your name boy or a gentle smile you know the usual stuff. Like most of the bachelors for me too kids are cute till the time you meet them for nothing more than 15 minutes.

But their likability is inversely proportional to the amount of time you spend with them.

You guys still think that I am exaggerating after all they are just cute and innocent kids. NO ITS NOT THAT SIMPLE.

After living the perfect student life (hostel life) for 6 years working in this big bad corporate world is nothing but a compromise. In the middle of all the appraisals, hikes, and yelling ( my boss yells and I listen ( my boss yells and I listen and i havent had a chance to be a part of the first two in my career so far) ) I have started cherishing my weekends a lot. Being the religious follower of FDNS ( First Day Night Show) I booked tickets for London dreams with few friends of mine.

I got to the theater 10 minutes before the start time of the movie to watch the trailers. I never miss the trailers,( these days they are the best part of going to a theater). So after watching Katrina Kaif's De Dana dan the lights were switched off and lata ji and Asha bhosle appeared on screen for the national anthem.

Reliance is trying to prove their patriotism or god knows what, but their version of "Jana Gana man" lasts for a whopping 3 minute 30 seconds where the last jaya hai only stretches for 35 seconds. In fact the Jana Gana Man in Big Cinemas feels longer than Dandi March itself. But that's a separate issue lets focus on the villains of the story

I saw one cute girl sitting in the front row and the weekend was shaping out nicely............but then suddenly I saw some 5 couples walking up and occupying seats in the same row as mine. The couples were

followed by atleast 8 kids ranging aged between 4-9. Watching them coming one by one I had a bad feeling.
I tried to stay calm and so did the kids, in the first half an hour their demands were trivial and were duly fulfilled by the poor parents. Did I say parents I meant the poor husbands as the Biwis were too busy watching Salman Khan and obviously refused to move.
But then the inevitable happened and suddenly Ajay Devgan started performing Barso re.. and the kids went bersek. Suddenly they lost interest in the movie and the aisle looked like a playground. I don't blame the kids completely as watching Ajay Devgan's performance for once even I felt like throwing my hands up in the air and yelling why god why??
You see even after having a strong urge of getting up and strangle Asin on screen, I didn't do that and you know why ?? Because I CARE.. I know that on a Friday night at least 40% of the theater is full of people like me who book tickets for Friday night shows via their office network on Wednesday morning and on Friday night wait eagerly to get out of the shell.
But people don't let you enjoy those three hours too.
One kid wanted to be Spider man ( I can only imagine the fate of people who watched that movie when this kid was around) but he kept on shouting and chasing his friends trying to spin a web or something.Then three kids refused to sit on their seats and were started running up and down on the stairs.
Please parents please buy a home theater and a BIG LED screen if you are a movie fanatic, buy some chips some beers invite your other couple friends, but make sure they have kids and they are as noisy and as misbehaved as yours are so that nobody is on the losing side. Watch as many movies as you want.
You will have a great time but for the time being spare us ......................

Current Song : Tu Jaane Na
Current Mood : Severe hangover

Monday, August 10, 2009


I am well aware of the fact that the monthly readership of this blog is restricted to me, my sister (I beg of her to read this) and the software engineer from Bangalore (now that’s a cliché) who doesn’t say much but just writes “Loved your post keep them coming” followed by his blog’s url. Bottomline you will be more interested in reading the autobiography of “A K Hangal” than this blog, but to live up to the name of this place, I am still alive.
First things first I have completed one year in the big bad corporate world and till now successfully survived the downturn. When paycuts were as common as Mayawati’s statues in UP, also words like downsizing and cost control looked like “starring Oscar nominated” in a firm’s annual report. But to be fair my bank didn’t retort to such cheap gimmicks and they successfully retained almost all of us. So what if the stock prices are lower than a movie ticket but as long as I am getting paid enough to buy those movie tickets I am not losing any sleep over this.
But one thing, which can’t get out of my head is, I lost one of my most prized possessions for a long time, my Iphone. Oh yes the 8 Gb sleekest and coolest looking chic magnet phone. I know all of you must have lost a phone in your life, when it comes to phones we all have a story to share and here is mine…………… main aur mere mobile.
I still remember my first cell-phone, my parents went to DILLI and got me a silver colour Panasonic the year was 2002 (first year engineering), though the cell phone was as big as the dairy milk bar in “Aaj Pheli tareek hai (love the ad)”, the blue display was something I loved the most. My father at that time sported a Nokia which helped him to build his biceps that too unintentionally, so I myself felt on the top of this world. Snake was so outdated as I had a cool ball rolling game and Bipasha Basu was the brand ambassador and that’s not all. The antenna wait for it ……………………was not there. On the whole one of the best gifts to have after getting into an engineering college. Some of my batchmates had flap phones and some NRI kids flaunted their alcatel mobiles but I loved my phone. That phone stayed with me for almost 2 years. One frightful evening I was coming back from the class and suddenly it started raining I tried to cover my phone by hiding it under my windcheater but as you know Panasonic phones have a durability of less than that of a mosquito coil,………the display went off.My father got me a brand new colour display phone from Benq………………..oh what a mobile it was. That time Benq had the cheapest colour display mobiles and I was one of the 500 Indians who bought that phone (the phone was taken off within months because of horrible sales figures). The phone had polyphonic ringbones and was much sleeker and lighter than the Panasonic. But this was year 2005 and mobile industry had evolved a lot, people were talking about 1.3 megapixel cameras, net connectivity, mp3s etc. I never gave a damn as mobile phone’s utility was limited for me coz :- a) Most of my wingmates used to bunk lectures so all of my friend’s were mostly together, b) No hot girl used to call even after my desperate attempts of flashing my mobile number on Mumbai global chat and C with a capital. Only my parents and sisters used to call, mostly to scold me for falling grades and increasing ATM withdrawals But as people flaunted their speaker volumes and the cool FM radio things, I used to avoid taking in a public place, especially in the vicinity of the fairer sex. Not that I had a chance otherwise with them but even when death is inevitable how many people commit suicide, right? I somehow survived on that phone for a year, somebody stole that Benq phone from a canteen (can you beat that what a low self esteem guy to actually flick that phone). Around the same time I got through CAT and got into an MBA College.
Filled with the new excitement of buying a new phone I was tricked into buying a tata indicom’s flap phone (some nice marketing manager must be up there) and what a phone it was. Everytime somebody called me the phone used to go into Bappi Lahiri & mithunda mode yes I am talking about D-I-S-C-O mode. As the yellow, green blue and pink yes pink light started to go flashing with a ringtone which was pre loaded and that sounded like Anu Malik’s attempt to sing a bhajan. The camera quality was so great that all pictures looked like Xray slides. In most of the picture teeth were the only identifiable portions of one’s face. I identified my mistake within a month and sold off that phone for a loss of 50%. Feeling guilty for that loss I bought the cheapest available nokia 1100, the snake on that phone is the best mobile game ever :)………..
When I went back at the end of first year my father gifted me the newly launched Nokia N70music version, what a phone it was but as is the common thing with Nokia phones, within 3 months that phone was outdated and prices were slashed by 50%. I was heartbroken as the 1.3 Megapixel camera was substituted by 3 megapixel cameras and sound quality was getting better and screen size was getting bigger day by day. I thought I am not gonna buy an expensive phone again as no matter which phone you buy, after sometime they all feel like bell bottom trousers in the age of denim.
But then came Feb 2009 and on my birthday my friends gifted me an Iphone and it was love at first sight………I knew this phone will make time stop as it can never be old, this phone will be janam janam ka saath and this phone will put the S back into STYLE. But one day I lost it, how and when it doesn’t matter what matters is that I lost it. I don’t want to write anymore coz it breaks my heart to even think about it….....................

Monday, March 23, 2009

I Can't Concentrate

The title has got nothing to do with the post .......... but these days its the in thing. To randomly name a movie. Like Tasveer 8X10, 99 etc....

Monday afternoon as I pretend to be working in the office staring into my laptop screen with a straight face, I realized one thing. I have tickets for 27th of march on my desk. Yes I am going to Goa for an extended weekend, which translates into three days holidays. I have no clue what Gudi Parwa means or what m I supposed to do on that day. All I know is that it has forced the Banking industry to give their employees a well deserved break on Friday. Take that consultants, this is called work life balance :)

I have finally booked the tickets and confirmed the booking over phone (Judith you sounded so sweet). Maybe next time I will book the hotel recommended by you so what it costed 2000 bucks more.

Now I know for people who have stayed in bombay it's not that big a deal to go to Goa. But even though I did my graduation in Mumbai and traversed the narrow streets for four years, I have never been to Goa. Now that is some record which looks more embarrassing than Celiena jaitley’s acting skills. But before you judge me and brand as the un-cool uncle types guy, let me explain the reason behind my inability to put the GOA xing into my life.

Last time when I finalized my plan to go to Goa, believe it or not Tsunami struck India’s southern coasts. Now my father thinks I am as responsible as Prof Khan was with N bombs. So he thought I will be in the sea for most of the time in Goa and yeah with a reaction time slower than that of A K Hangal, he said don’t go abhi, go later. Now this later is like submitting your project report. Once the deadline is over it really never comes again. So those plans were shelved off and I had 4 consecutive no-goa Christmas-newyear in Mumbai. After joining my job in Mumbai hardly got a chance to go on vacation. But now I have seized the day and stole the moment of thunder, I planned this holiday way back in januray can u beat that.
Well if you look at it, it was not difficult given the fact that 70% of my time in office I am googling and reading about random things.

Job life is treating me well. I mean in the current market if you are able to talk about job life it’s a big relief in itself. Every morning I come to my office and offer my prayers to the almighty if my access card works and yeah then the double check comes in when I log on to my laptop. I look up with a sigh of relief as the screen flashes “welcome ad897797”. The smile goes from 6 inch wide to a small frown when I see 81 unread messages… but yeah part and parcel of work life.

Lately my friends have developed this special interest in scrabble, now my vocabulary is as broad as Taliban’s mind. I mean what do you expect from a small town boy from Bhilai. But still dosti ki khatir khelna padta hai. Infact looking at my vocab one friend of mine said “ Tune class 3 ke baad words sikhna band kar diya tha kya?”.
As my friends fight over the existence of some classy words ….( atleast they sound classy to me) like Celeste. I remain happy stealing 3 pointers and 6 pointers with “JUG”, “Bed” when one day I made the word “ELATED” the word was not only there on the board but was evident on my face and the wide smile. I mean common I used 6 out of 7 tiles.
Lately I am also too much into bowling, but like all other sports initially I helped my friends with the technique n all and now they all defeat me hands down. But I have realized this I am the man whom they call it as the first gear man. I get into things out of excitement than snap out of it pretty soon. With an attention span of Dewegowda’s status that makes it a very fatal combo.

IPL moved out of India, now all my plans of faking a headache during office hours to take an early break are ruined. I was so excited about watching a live match … but it’s all gone, I so wanted to cheer with KKR’s knight angels to add to the glamour quotient Shilpa Shetty was also around this time. OMG, where is natural justice.
But then life has never been fair.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009


“Her-man” Baweja’a latest offering after the first sci-fi futuristic romantic saga Love Story 2050, the modern city of that was conceptualized in 1999 by warner brothers(The Fifth Element), is Victory. Talking about his last release Harman said LS2050 was ahead of its time and probably it will be a classic when his son “She-man” Baweja will make a debut.

However, taking cues from this shaktimaan meets chandrakanta flick , Harman intelligently picked up the safest option in India for his next venture, Cricket. India has a history of some classic portrayals on cinema of this nationwide extravaganza. Dev Anand did it with Awwal Number where his police commissioner cum national selector cum pilot cum sharp shooter’s methodological performance was considered to be the most overall character in the 90s. Then there have been recent attempts like Say Salaam India or meerabhai not out. Although most of these movies met their fate the same way LS 2050 did, however artistic accolade is something you cant take away from these movies.

So riding the high tide of recent Indian Victories India Vs Srilanka Ajit Mangat decided to direct the movie Victory. The movie is already getting 3 star rating from the greatest critic of modern India Taran Adarsh, who keeps on referring to him as HURMAN for god knows what reasons. Harman Baweja & Amrita Rao, whose fight with her dress designer continued in this movie were also present at the India Srilanka match to cheer for India’s victory in the second ODI.

There is not much to say about the movie as the trailer says it all. It’s a regular story of a local guy from a small town of India who makes it to the Indian team. However once on top he loses his focus and success gets onto him. Gulshan Grover plays the bad guy, who introduces Harman to the big bad world of glamour related with cricket. Harman fumbles and then he is ridiculed by public, selectors his own father and the curtain clad Amrita Rao.

However Harman redeems himself , practices hard and drinks boost to focus again on his game and comes back as a winner.

Although a linear story it’s the execution that makes this movie a class apart.

When Harman sledges Bret Lee and says “ Tune sahi kaha tha chutiye”. Theater audience had the same tremors of rage flowing in their body when Sunny Deol shouted in Gadad “Humara Hindustan Zindabad tha Zindabad Hai and Zindabad rahega”.

Victories casting directors had a tough time casting so many cricketers and Amrita Rao was pissed as she says here "Harman acted with so many cricketers and i didnt even get a scene". However poor Amrita rao doesn’t know that more than half of the cricketers are morphed into the scenes.

But Harbhajan Singh makes a sensational come back and although this time he doesn’t slap anymore nor does he says "Maa ki" but he got a chance to perform a Victory Bhangra along with great Indian cricketers like Ashish Nehra, Romesh Powar and bunch of players who are currently not in the Indian Squad who will make it big in the ICL just like Harman will make it big in Bollywood after this movie.

Sreesanth was nowhere to be seen, though he desperately wanted to be a part of this masterpiece, but with Sreesanth is following a 50 feet distance from Bhajji. Moreover Sreesanth failed the auditions because of his famous kathakali.

Harman awaits the Box office verdict, but for movies like victory its not about the money afterall .....